In the mind of a slave: November 2007

Truth.
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It is said that history is written by the victor.
The victor shaping the truth so they where right.
But this is not history.
And even tho I am not a victor this is the truth as I see it.

I guess this is written in part for my own sake.
In part for my friends.
And in part for those who always tough bad of me since they never knew why I did the things I did.

The story.
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While this is a story about me and Wildefire and the things that took place it begins a bit earlier.
My first character on SecondLife was born 2005.
Helpless like a blind kitten I was having fun learning to animate and build to some degree.
In 2006 I discovered some group i liked.
In one of those a mistress by the name Wildefire Walcott was active, I enjoyed listening to the conversation she was in.
I liked her she was intriguing and I grew to admiring her.
I never had any closer contact however.

Late in 2006 I found the last name Princess was avalible and unable to resist I created the alt Slave Princess.
The reasons was simple.
I am really a switch at heart liking both to sub and to dom but my main alt had ended up domming all the time.
Slave Princess would be sub at heart and finaly letting me have some fun not being in control.

Now I discovered Wildefire Walcott was looking for more slaves so I contacted her and the 22nd of November 2006 I became hers.
I got to know my family as of then the ones mainly on was Mistress Wildefire, wildefires favourite babydoll Leana, Shemale Ryuune and the twisted (in a good morbid way, I pity those of you who never saw the grave and the ice cream truck) Adina.
Back then Mistress had a quite defenite ranking system and I was at bottom of it being an unwilling slave to be broken.

In time my admiration for Widlefire grew into love.
Wilde had no partner and I so wanted to ask for her hand. I even got me a wedding dress.
Anyway I was still her lowest ranking pet and I feared a few things (I am really insecue due to old wounds)
First of all I feared Wildefire would think I wanted to marry her only to rise in rank amongst her pets and because of that doubt my love for her.
Second i feared other pets would think the same and badmouth me behind my back.
Third i feared people learning of the marriage would comment on it and claim I was not worthy of her.

I decided to do the only right thing.
If I wanted to marry Wildefire I had to earn her.
I would propose the day she admitted to me being her favourite pet/slave.
Until then I would do everything I could to make her smile and have fun in SL.

Time went by as time do.
One day I learned Wilde had married Kelly Walcott.
It hurt a lot but wilde had never said I was her favourite even tho i suspected it so what could I do?
My world fell apart a few days later when I finally for the first time got to know I was her favourite.
I do not think I have ever cried so much.
I finally could ask my love for her hand but she was already taken and I had lost her by just a few days.

I kept doing what I did keeping order at desperation Isle and the rental island even tho my world was more or less black with the light of my life gone.
Mistress knew something was wrong and being tp'ed one day and ending up in a scene where Kelly was domming Wilde I couldn't handle it and TP'ed away at once.
Wilde knew something was defenitely wrong due to the animosity I expresed at Kelly and me getting even madder since she would refuse to hate me back.
At that time I was really despicable. I did everythign to get her to hate me so I could hate her as well.
Also I was the only one on desperation who did not like Kelly.

Mistress did call on me to talk about it.
At the moment I had more or less decided what to do.
My plan was to give Mistress all my transferrable things erase the character and end the account leaving SL.
Wilde would not have anything of it tho.
She wanted me to stay and she wanted to fix it all even tho my behavour really did not make me worthy of it.
During the discussion I even had the option to get rid of Kelly. (It would demand a lot tho)
But well I couldn't do it. I was the only one on the island who disliked Kelly and that kinda told me I was wrong.
Also Kelly had been great back at the Dommebreaker Roleplay.
So well I couldn't ask it. And to be honest I didn't even deserve that option.
Still it did heal my broken hear a bit.
Wilde decided she and I would nurture our relationship and have romantic times and see where it lead us.

My plan at that time was that the day Wilde finally threw away Kelly for me I'd happily take her but suggest we brought Kelly too and formed a polyamorouse three person partnering. Voluntary bigami if you like...
(Why wait until Wilde would thow away Kelly? Once more insecurities. I needed to feel she loved me as much as I love her.)

Well once more time went on and I began wondering where the romantic times went?
I confronted Wilde about it and she confessed nothing would happen since she loved Kelly.
That made my as of yet most horrible time in SecondLife yet.
I couldn't belive Wildefire would break a promise to me.
It was unthinkable but it had happened.
My RL life suffered as well during this time.
I cried until I collapsed from exhaustion, I beat myself in the stomache repeatable times wanting to hurt there so I woudln't feel the emotional hurting, I tried to eat but vomited feeling so bad emotional that it turned into physical pain and illness.

I really wanted to hate Kelly but I was more or less spent and hurt.
I didn't like her tho harbouring resentment towards her.
It was at this time I met Kellys slaves Clara and Aureliano.
Clara took to "helping" me with my feelings spending hours in IM's with me every day.
Yes I use "" since I have since been told Clara want me gone and in retrospect it all makes sense.
However at the time I really belived she tried to help.
I never reflected over the fact that every time she had talked to me I felt even worse than before.
In the end I was more or less convinced Wilde loved only Kelly and that she had no love left to spare for me.
Thats when I blev up throwing all the hate and pain I had at Kelly.
I was really unfair to her and I still feel guilty for it.
I am vindictive when hurt.
And Kelly got to feel all of it.

I finally begun to admit Kelly was great again when Kyrah came and visited me IRL.
(I did try to get her to ban Kelly from KDC tho. ;P Luckily Kyrah is not easily convinced but she rather convinced me Kelly was great)
Even tho I knew Kelly was great I didn't like to admit it to anyone tho.
Especially not Wilde or Kelly.

Well time went by again and I simply had to stand things and stitching together the few fragments of my broken heart I still loved Wilde.
I had hurt her when I hurt Kelly tho and was more or less constantly miserable.

Later when my life calmed down I learnt from Viv that Clara wanted to get rid of me.
Then I realiced what I had tought was misguided advice might just as well have been on purpose.
Clara keeps reassuring me it was not with malicious intent but as of yet I am not ready to trust her.

If she is well meaning... well I can go on without her help for now anyway. And it's more secure compared to...
If she realy is malicious. It would be sheer folly to put a bucket of Vipers and Scorpions in your bed before going to sleep.
One of them is bound to kill you in your sleep.

Well this is the truth trough the "liquify" blue eyes of Slave Princess.

Epilogue.
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Well I have done a lot of stupid things.
But I did belive they where right.

The lyrics of The Smiths tells it clearly. "I am human and I need to be loved. Just like everyone else would."

So where do I stand now?
Well I got a few shards of heart left and I still love my mistress.
She evn told me one day that had she not met Kelly she would have married me.
I guess it's sort of a comfort but it hurts too.

I sometimes dream how it would have been partnered with both Wilde and Kelly.
I regret I didn't pursue that instead of Blowing up on Kelly.

Right now I guess partnering is sheer folly.
Kelly would not be interested not after allt the hurt I put her trough. I defenitely lost her respect.

And even if Kelly would be interested and Wilde actually did say that part about would have married me had Kelly not been.
Well then this is even worse than being Wildes favourite.
Wilde would not agree to it since it would cause envy in the family.

So I guess life unfortunately goes on.
(sorry about that, writing all this has made me depressed again)

I still serve Wilde.
My IRL is FUBAR but might be able to work it out with some help I was promised.
We'll see what happens.

And I still got the time with Mistress.
And some people I have had bad contact with has begun talking to me again.
And one old SL friend even bought me a premium account for a year.
(Actually cash had been betetr to get rid of some debt but well ok this is nice too)

Well so how to sum this up then?

"And they all lived happily ever after"

If only this was a fairytale, but this Princess won't get a happy life I guess.

"And the fallen princess kept working for the Wicked Mistress who held all her love forever enslaved on the grim island of Desperation."

Thats all I guess...
catch you on the flipside.

/Princess

There has often been a discussion about favouritism amongst Mistress wildefires pets/slaves.

Now why is the point of being the favourite so important?
I am going to try and write one explanation for this.

I was pursuing to become Wildes favourite once.
The reason for it was quite particular for me.
I was really in love with Wilde and wanted to be her partner.
However It felt wrong to just ask like I would do it only to be better than her other slaves.
I decided to be faitful and do everything for her until I became her favourite and then I ws to ask her.
However The powers the be hates me. I was told I was her favourite a week or so after Kelly Walcott asked to be her partner and got a yes.
I became quite miserable but still ths story show why being Wildes favourite can be so important.

Love and being loved in return.

All of Mistress wildefires slaves and pets love her dearly.
Now Wilde is partynered with Kelly so there is no way to become her partner.

Then the only way to get that recognition and feel that mistress loves you as something special is to be her favourite.

It's more or less like telling someone you love her and hoping the person will love you back.
You want to be as important to the one you love as she is to you.

Now Wildefire has decided to never again tell a slave she is the favourite one.

So from now on the hopes to be the favourite will be ike telling someone you love her and the person smiling and walking away.
You'll never know.
And not knowing hurts almost more than knowing and not be the favourite.

Well.
My hopes to be mistress wildefires partner didn't work as I had hoped.
But I cried a lot then and I do not wich to cry no more.

I think I will always strive to be Wildes favourite tho.
I still love her more than anything.
And even if I will always have to wonder if I mean as much to mistress as she means to me I will still love her.

What can one do after all?

And now some 80's music about love.